Should You Date Someone Whose Divorce is Pending?

Dear Paulette,

I need some advice. I am currently the TP (Transition Person) with a man who has been separated from his wife for about two years, but they still live in the same house (she lives upstairs and they don’t see each other), and they are still technically married. They were together for 12 years. Throughout the two years of their separation, he has tried to get her back by taking her out to dinner and talking. When we met, he said the last time he had done that was about four months ago.

He has been extremely honest about everything right from the start so I can’t blame him, but we have been dating for three and a half months now, and last night I told him I loved him. He said he likes me a lot, but isn’t ready to say that yet and still has feelings for his ex – and that he just needs time to get over her, finalize the divorce and sell his house, but he can see himself loving me someday.

Is it possible that he could still fall in love with me? Or is this just a bad situation that I should get out of?

________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Transition Person,

It sounds like a difficult situation. Although he’s been ‘separated’ from his wife for about two years, they live in the same house still, are technically married, and he still has feelings for her. Plus, he has continued trying to reconcile (until just four months ago).  Even now, he admits to having feelings for her and says he needs time to get over it.

There are no guarantees which way this could go—will he get over her or will they reconcile? It’s possible that he’ll divorce and move on, becoming available to love you, but that isn’t the case right now; and it’s important to see that.

There are some things I don’t know about you, like your age and what you’re looking for in a relationship. If you were a woman under 40 who still wanted children and had a brief timeline to make this happen, I’d advise you to move on and look for someone with the same goal and readiness level.  If you don’t want kids and aren’t looking for a serious relationship right away, then you could consider dating him and other people, to see what happens.  This latter possibility would take a lot of strength though.  You’ve already said that you love him so you’d need to feel that love without attaching it to an outcome or expectation of commitment.  This means you’d also have to give other people a chance.

Think of it like a game of tennis. You wouldn’t keep serving if no one was hitting back.  You want to invest the appropriate amount to match your partner.  He is asking you for time and space so he can date you and entertain his options with her, or at least tie up loose ends.  So, if you want to do the same, you’ll need to keep your emotions in check and stay in reality. If you can’t do that, than I’d suggest moving on and dating others.  You can let this man know when he’s fully divorced he can contact you… if you’re available.

In the end, you need to take responsibility for your own happiness and vision. Only then will the right man step up!

I wish you the Best in Love,

Paulette