The (S)Ex Factor

Q: I met a guy on JDate and we dated for more than a year. Several months ago, he ended the relationship because he did not believe I was ultimately the one he was going to marry. Since our break up he has asked me to get together several times and the results are always the same. Even though I still love him, I am starting to feel like he is using me for physical reasons and I am mad that I keep giving in to him. The fact that he is still calling and trying to connect is preventing me from moving on, and online dating is making me feel more defeated and alone. Do you have advice for a woman in my shoes?  

– Stuck in Limbo

A: Hi S.L.,

First off, this is not your fault. You must stop blaming yourself for retrospectively feeling that you took things too fast, pressured this man or even engaged with him too willingly. It’s pretty clear that he initiates these reunions but for whatever reasons, it seems he made up his mind about your relationship when you formally broke up. He certainly could be more chivalrous in taking into account your perspective but his shortcomings in this respect should not cause you to beat yourself up.

Unfortunately, hanging out as a couple is giving you a sense of hope that he will come back and that is not realistic, though it’s understandable given your long history together. A year is a long time to spend with anyone and chances are your ex is having just as hard of a time with the split as you are. Forgive me for being harsh, but the reality is he may be lonely or feeling insecure and rejected by other women in his life, which is why having someone like you, who he knows cares about him, is a comfort and confidence booster.

When it comes to love, many of us are guilty of believing that a person will come around. That’s because we hear and listen to what they say but do not believe their words. By letting you know you are not “The One,” this man has expressed his intentions loud and clear, so there is no point wasting any more of your time. If you want to move on, here’s what you need to think about carefully: Are you really prepared to spend the rest of your life with someone who is not head over heels in love with you? Trust me, you deserve to be adored and it’s a hell of a lot easier (and fun) to be with someone who loves every last bit of you than a man who has hesitations. Your match is out there, but you are limiting yourself from giving someone new a real chance if you’re still hung up on an old love. If you’re okay with casual canoodling with an old flame that is one thing, but you must do so with your eyes open while not letting that familiarity interfere with your prospects of someone new.

As for online dating, remember that good dates and promising new prospects come in waves – you just need learn how to stay calm and optimistic when the tide is low. And always compliment your online search with other, more traditional, social vehicles. I hope these words provide the clarity and comfort you were seeking, and wish you the best of luck with your search.

Sincerely,
Sherri