If you find yourself longing for a mate this year, with none sight, the one obvious problem is that something you are doing isn’t working. There are eligible singles out there, but you have to get out of your own way and go out of your way to find one. Are you ready to do that? Take this quiz to see if you are “relationship ready!”
1. Are you already married to your parents, children, siblings, friends, or job?
If so, your life needs balancing because you are not available for the relationship you claim you want. You are the only person in the world who can fix this. Consider it a holiday gift to yourself to re-capture your life as you would like to live it.
2. Do you make your dates jump over hurdles to get a piece of your time?
Consider the message you’re sending. A healthy, eligible mate doesn’t get married to be ignored. So you won’t be seen as eligible if you are not available.
3. Do you put little effort in your appearance because you say you want to be loved for the “real you?”
Get real. The ugly truth is that appearances matter. Most of my clients and students aren’t seeking “gorgeous,” but they do want someone who is presentable, tries to be attractive, and smells good, versus sloppy, slouchy, and less than squeaky clean.
4. Does your recovery from a relationship take more time than the relationship lasted?
If so, your coping skills need an upgrade. You are spending more time out of a relationship than in one. You are being an analyzer/observer instead of a participant in love. Winners in all categories in life learn to deal with rejection. We don’t get a pass in the love arena.
If any of these questions fit you. Consider doing a year-end clean up and change up. The longer you practice bad habits, the harder they are to break. Start now by practicing the following good habits:
- Stop Hoping
You wouldn’t just hope that someone would get a job for you, or take care of your health. If you did, you’d starve, or die. Hoping that a potential date will take all of the initiative — or be a really nice mate and just descend from your living room ceiling — stalls romance and starves your love life.
- Unpack Emotional Baggage
If you feel worse about yourself when you’re around someone, they aren’t worth being around. To be in the best condition possible for getting married, eliminate toxic people from your life. You may have friends and family who are energy vampires (people who seem to suck the life right out of you – blamers, controllers, time gobblers). Or there may be someone who can ruin your mood with even the briefest of contact. You’ll be surprised how your spirits can soar with even thirty fewer minutes a week spent with negative people.
- Nix the Ex-Talk
Never ever talk about an ex. Hearing about the ex is boring. It also communicates that you’re still carrying baggage. Your friends and family are (or should be) tired of listening, and your dates will assume, quite correctly, that you’re going to dump that baggage right on them!
- Prepare for Rejection
Be prepared for rejection – it happens. Get really good at handling it. Move on and find the person who does want to be with you. When the abandonment waves have passed, you sometimes realize “being left” was your lucky break.
- Stand Up Straight
Stand up straight and you will not only appear more confident, but you’ll feel more confident too — which will make flirting much easier. I promise.
- Be Playful
You don’t need to act like a child or be dopey, but this is the one game you should play when dating. Seeming like someone who is fun is the fast road to seeming attractive.
- Be Patient
Don’t expect everything to show up right away. Some great potential mates simply don’t show warmth, sense of humor, or the best side of themselves until you’ve gone out — and then gone out again, and maybe yet again. This is especially true if they work in a “serious” profession where they carry a lot of responsibility. If it’s really horrible, don’t go out again. However, if a date is pleasant, give it another try and give yourself an opportunity.
- Flirt Like You Mean It
Flirting is mandatory and it’s a skill that absolutely anyone can learn. It is comprised of these basic rules of social interaction:
– Smiling
This is crucial to flirting. I encourage my students to learn by practicing on small animals and furniture. Then try that new grin on people you actually know, and then graduate to strangers in safe territory.
– Making Eye Contact
If you don’t hold eye contact for at least four seconds, your glance will be interpreted as rejection instead of a come hither look.
– Breaking the Ice
After you break eye contact, look back again and smile. If you look approachable and he wants to meet you, he will come introduce himself (assuming he is mobile and available). If you re-run this scenario an extra time and add an inviting wave, if interested, she will approach or wave right back.
You can be your own best coach or your worst enemy – it’s up to you. Self-market based on your assets, not your faults. Let a date know the real you from the start. Just make sure to start with the most positive possible version of you.
Dr. Janet Blair is a contributor to JDATE. See more of Dr. Janet Blair's articles here.
