I’ll start off with full disclosure, I’m a JDater® just like you, and have been on this site longer than I ever imagined, so clearly, I don’t have all of the answers. I do, however, have some of the answers, and will attempt to provide some insight as to why you’re not hearing back from women when you reach out.
Much like you guys, when we women receive a message, we do two things… we read the message and check out your profile, let’s start with your profile:
1. Let’s Talk About Sex
First of all, sex. We’re all adults here (at least chronologically) and pretty much every woman on this site understands: Men. Want. Sex. I promise you, it’s not necessary for you to state that you’re looking for a friend as well as a lover, like deep kisses, intimacy, identify yourself as sensual or passionate, or use any variant of the word “foreplay” as part of your screen name. Generally we’d like to exchange an email with you, before you bring your junk into the conversation. [The corollary is that most women really don’t mind receiving expensive jewelry, but we’ve learned it’s wiser to exclude that from our profiles…]
2. Choosing Pictures
We all know that appearance is important. Evaluate your profile pictures honestly though and make sure to manage your expectations accordingly. Not all of us are going to score a date with the guy who looks like George Clooney or the girl who channels Mila Kunis. And here’s something that I thought was obvious, but may prove helpful (since I’ve seen this happen way too often): No matter how good (you think) your body is, please wear a shirt in at least one of your photos. Bonus points if this shirt does not feature the logo of a team or your favorite band. And unless you’re a professional athlete, please also include one picture in which you are wearing something other than a sports jersey.
3. To “Flirt” Or Not to Flirt
I appreciate that JDate makes it easy to reach out to five people simultaneously with their pre-written Flirt bon mots (“Why haven’t you been snatched up yet?” or “I’m daring you to make the first move.”) However, my personal preference is to connect with a guy who will write me a one sentence email. Show me you’re interested by putting in a little effort when we first connect online so I can be sure you’ll also be interested enough to dress/plan/show up for a date.
As a public service, I’ve drafted the email below, for you to cut and paste into an email. Try it and see if you have better luck with this approach.
“Hi!
I really enjoyed your profile. Please check out mine and see what you think, I’d really like to hear back from you.”
If you’re really feeling it for someone you met online, you can go the extra mile and personalize your email with something from her profile. Share why you agree (or disagree) with her feelings on personal pan pizza, Tiger Woods, or the American League vs. the National League. You see, now you’re giving her a little material to work with… which is always appreciated, and will increase your chances of a reply.
This is just a glimpse into how, at least one female mind, interprets the way you are representing yourself. The next steps are up to you, and I hope they bring about the results you’re looking for.
Dorian Rehfield is a contributor to JDATE. See more of Dorian Rehfield's articles here.
just what i am attracted to in a profile. the worst are the ladies who have their main picture or all pictures with large sunglasses. eyes reveal the soul. i never respond to messages without a picture at all. i am really not interested in pictures of your whole family or pets, that is more appropriate later. clear pictures—-one a reasonably close up and then a full body one. do not wear a bikini that tells me you only have a nice figure to attract a guy. think about what you are using for bait! i am also not interested in your car. if you take photos on your phone do not do it yourself where your arm is in the picture. i like when someone makes an effort for a quality picture. and lastly, don’t have botox done on the photo through photo shop. you will not look anything like your photo. and please please do not use old pictures. i met a woman who used photos 20 years old so i spoke to her as if she was my dates mother. also write a decent essay. not that i like my family and walking on the beach. some have nothing to say. communication and conversation are very important to me. just some simple ideas that will attract a guy who is very interested in you. i am sure these would apply to a man, but i never look at male profiles.
Joel’s focus is primarily on the physical, yet there’s a clue about a woman’s maturity level in the words she uses, the number of self-affirmation mantras she uncritically regurgitates, and her egoism (level of maturity in terms of self-esteem). I just received notice that a woman, 48, viewed my profile. In her profile she becomes fairly demanding about who should or should not contact her; she confesses that she’s really 54. Not a big problem in terms of age, but the fact that she chose to mislead others about her birthday is a clear red flag–not necessarily that she stretched the truth, but that she felt the need to stretch the truth, be it because of her looks, her age, the age of men she’s hoping to attract, the type of men she wants to attract, and so on. This extends to men, too, who do essentially the same thing as the woman I described–leading me to believe that the millions made about how different men and women are, is just hype. Common sense rules AND shall prevail, people.
Women want sex too, and they want to know that a man they are potentially going to have it with values it as a part of a relationship that’s close and loving. Moreover it can’t be taken as a given that men like kissing or in general have an interest in their lovers’ pleasure and experience. By all means, entendres or direct statements about how a man views sex should be included in one’s profile.
Almost no one puts sex or physical intimacy in the “things I can’t live without” field, but I don’t know how many people really can live without it.
Women want relationships with love in them, not just expensive jewelry. I am sure they like many men want expensive gifts as a shoe of affection. They don’t put that in their profiles because it’s irrelevant, unless it’s someone looking for a sugar-daddy type relationship, or is a mail-order bride type.