Why You’re Not Hearing Back

I’ll start off with full disclosure, I’m a JDater® just like you, and have been on this site longer than I ever imagined, so clearly, I don’t have all of the answers. I do, however, have some of the answers, and will attempt to provide some insight as to why you’re not hearing back from women when you reach out.

Much like you guys, when we women receive a message, we do two things… we read the message and check out your profile, let’s start with your profile:

1.      Let’s Talk About Sex

First of all, sex. We’re all adults here (at least chronologically) and pretty much every woman on this site understands: Men. Want. Sex. I promise you, it’s not necessary for you to state that you’re looking for a friend as well as a lover, like deep kisses, intimacy, identify yourself as sensual or passionate, or use any variant of the word “foreplay” as part of your screen name.  Generally we’d like to exchange an email with you, before you bring your junk into the conversation. [The corollary is that most women really don’t mind receiving expensive jewelry, but we’ve learned it’s wiser to exclude that from our profiles…]

2.      Choosing Pictures

We all know that appearance is important. Evaluate your profile pictures honestly though and make sure to manage your expectations accordingly. Not all of us are going to score a date with the guy who looks like George Clooney or the girl who channels Mila Kunis. And here’s something that I thought was obvious, but may prove helpful (since I’ve seen this happen way too often): No matter how good (you think) your body is, please wear a shirt in at least one of your photos. Bonus points if this shirt does not feature the logo of a team or your favorite band. And unless you’re a professional athlete, please also include one picture in which you are wearing something other than a sports jersey.

3.      To “Flirt” Or Not to Flirt

I appreciate that JDate makes it easy to reach out to five people simultaneously with their pre-written Flirt bon mots (“Why haven’t you been snatched up yet?” or “I’m daring you to make the first move.”) However, my personal preference is to connect with a guy who will write me a one sentence email. Show me you’re interested by putting in a little effort when we first connect online so I can be sure you’ll also be interested enough to dress/plan/show up for a date.

As a public service, I’ve drafted the email below, for you to cut and paste into an email. Try it and see if you have better luck with this approach.

“Hi!

I really enjoyed your profile. Please check out mine and see what you think, I’d really like to hear back from you.”

If you’re really feeling it for someone you met online, you can go the extra mile and personalize your email with something from her profile. Share why you agree (or disagree) with her feelings on personal pan pizza, Tiger Woods, or the American League vs. the National League. You see, now you’re giving her a little material to work with… which is always appreciated, and will increase your chances of a reply.

This is just a glimpse into how, at least one female mind, interprets the way you are representing yourself. The next steps are up to you, and I hope they bring about the results you’re looking for.