At Jdate, we proudly bring you regular guest posts from some of the most interesting voices in the Jewish community. Funny or fascinating (and often both), these posts will bring you insights on Jewish dating, life, and community. This time: Patti Stanger, ‘The Millionaire Matchmaker’ gives Jdate an exclusive interview about her new book that can help singles get married…in just a year.
Patti Stanger’s “Married in a Year” outlines a 12-month action plan for finding love and “sealing the deal.” Treating the art of courtship similar to a business negotiation, Stanger proposes no-nonsense tips for finding your perfect mate and not wasting time with someone you are incompatible with. She walks viewers through her steps to success including:
- “Dating Detox” to take a break from dating and identify what it is that you want
- Meeting your match and attracting the right mate
- “10 Commandments of Dating” with rules for the first date and beyond
- Red flags and warning signs of a relationship that isn’t working
In the dating detox period, Patti recommends finding your five non-negotiables. Determine what the five things are that you can’t live without. Whether it is religion, location or financial security, you should have a good idea of what these non-negotiables are before entering the courtship process. According to Stanger, you can tell if he is the right guy if “he shows up on time, he calls when he says he will call and you get to be the Saturday night girl.”
As for the early dating process, Stanger says, “Coffee is cheap, drinks are an audition, lunch is an interview, but dinner means business; the business of romance.” One major mistake I have made in dating is the flow of conversation. While Stanger urges women to open conversation up for a “ping pong match,” I have often been told I come off as interrogating my dates and they feel like they are in an interview or legal trial. I will have to take Stanger’s “ping pong match” metaphor into consideration for future dates.
One of Stanger’s 10 commandments of dating is “thou shall return calls promptly.” As a female business owner, I often prioritize my business over dating when an eligible dating candidate could be knocking at my door. I agree with Stanger that men will perceive you as flaky if you do not honor your dating commitments or return calls promptly.
One of the biggest mistakes alpha females make is being the hunter in the relationship. In my exclusive interview with Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger, Patti gave me the cold hard truth about why alpha females, like me, end up single forever.
Stanger says, “If you want the relationship to work, he has to pursue you or he will get lazy. You want a hunter male, not a passive, weak wimp.” Read her other tips below in this exclusive JDate interview.
Kris: If a guy says “I think you should date other people, it would be good for you” after one year, what do you recommend?
Patti: Is this really a question? Say,”Bye, have a nice life!” That means you are not his top choice and it won’t make you feel good to be second choice. Start dating someone he knows or is aware of and watch how scared he gets. That’s war when a man says that to a woman.
Kris: If you have to remind a guy to buy you flowers on your birthday, and you have to drag him to a store to get you a holiday present, what is your advice?
Patti: Get rid of him. Before you get rid of him, you can say, “You didn’t bring me flowers.” If he says, “I’m just not that kind of romantic guy,” then you know that’s not who he is. You can’t change anyone; it should be innate. I once went on a date with someone and I said, “Did you ever buy an engagement ring?” and he said, “Nope, I’ve never done it and I wouldn’t even know how.” Based on his tone and the agitation, you can tell he’s never getting married.
Kris: Should you leave a guy after one year if he doesn’t want to get married regardless of your age?
Patti: You are looking for a guy who wants to be married; you should know by month six where your head is. Women stay because of sex or because he’s cute. A woman’s body parts rule her mind. Decipher who are the marriage-minded boys from the bad boys. You are not trying to break a stallion. You are tying to find the one that is more on the same vibrational frequency as you. Don’t waste time on the wrong one. It is not about “The Rules,” it is about finding the right one. The rules are there to create boundaries so the right one pops, but sometimes you can’t see it right away.
Kris: How are some ways to tell if you are financially incompatible? What should a woman pay for vs. a man in the first year of courtship?
Patti: Financial insecurity will break a relationship. However, if you date the fireman and you are making 250K a year, the fireman works 2 days a week. So, the other days, he can go off and create a secondary income to support your lifestyle. It’s about ambition and having a plan. He’s putting gas in your car and fixing the light bulb, its all about compatibility in financial relationships. If we cancel them out, they will be screwed. It is about him not being intimated by your bank account. If he wants sex, he’s got to woo you. Men have to get romantic.
Romantics usually stay romantic. The reason they take you off the market is because they know they will get sex every night. If your trauma is not severe and you’re not spoiled, then he will woo you. For example, I recently went on a date with a friend of mine who fixed me up with her brother. There were three women and her brother. We all ordered brunch and he said he wasn’t hungry. When the bill came – he had begged to meet me – he didn’t pay for anyone. You asked to go out with the Millionaire Matchmaker and yet you didn’t pick up your sister’s tab. I knew something was wrong and was turned off. You have to look for the road signs on the road. Women should pay for groceries, brunch (exclusive) and little things, books, etc. Three-to-one is the rule; less is more.
Kris: I am extremely alpha. What would be your best advice for me to find love?
You insist on being masculine; you are alpha and you want to be a more alpha male. In order to get alpha, you need to be beta. Stop doing anything! Sit back, relax, smile and smell good. Get into the chemistry zone. Go alpha in work and beta in your love life:
- Don’t plan dates
- Remember you’re the receiver and he’s the giver. Otherwise, you will get a feminine man.
Kris: Best advice?
Ask your exes what brought you together and what broke you up? Take your five top exes and do that. I recommend all men and women do this. We all need the referral and we all need “why” on the resume. When Donald Trump fires you, doesn’t he tell you why he fires you at the end? You should know why the relationship ended if you didn’t end it. When people cheat, there is always a why. Find out what the reason is.
Kris: I am so masculine by nature from being a business owner. How do I not bring up business and be more feminine on dates?
They have to bring up the subject of business. If they do bring it up, then say, “I am so tired from work, tell me about you.” He can’t get sexually stimulated when you are talking about business – you are not going into feminine zone with him. When he stays masculine, he’s at work, he’s in the board room. You can neutralize your sex if you work together too much.
Kris: What role does staying physically fit play in chemical attraction?
Everyone says to me, “Do I need to lose weight to get a guy?” I lost 25 pounds on Sense; curvy fit is important. You need to work out and when the working out happens, the serotonin starts to pop. When I lost 25 pounds on Sensa, I started feeling uber sexual. I think that revs up the feminine. Exercising, losing weight, buying pretty flirty dresses that make you feel sexy will never change.
Kris: Any advice for JDaters®?
If you see your soul mate is a shiksa, pick them. I am not all about Jews having to marry Jews. If you see the Asian hotty or blonde shiksa, go for it. Utilize them. It’s about finding your perfect match, not finding your perfect religious match.
Stanger’s biggest tip for closing the deal in months 10-12 is to “let the rubber band stretch.” “Men need their down time and cave time,” says Stanger. At close to a year, it can often seem like you want your boyfriend to be your best friend, confidant, lover and partner in everything you do. This can scare a man away, and if you don’t each take personal down time then he will begin to think you are suffocating him.
I related to a lot of points in “Married in a Year,” and the tips are valuable whether you are looking for a long-term relationship or marriage. After all, time is our most valuable commodity, and what is the purpose of dating someone for over a year if you have different long-term goals? It is important to nail out these non-negotiables and compatibility differences early on, rather than waste three years of your life only to start the process all over again.
About the DVD: Patti Stanger: Married in a Year will be available February 1st. In addition, Stanger’s book, “Become Your Own Matchmaker,” will be reissued this January, highlighted by additional content.