The first date went great and you’re looking forward to the next one. They even text you afterward to let you know they’d like to do it again. But after some time, maybe months even, you haven’t gotten together again. Your schedules just haven’t aligned. However, they’ve been texting regularly, liking your social media posts, and expressing interest in what now seems like a mythical second date. That’s when you realize you’ve been benched.
Dating these days is full of new trends and terminologies that define how people interact and build relationships. Some of these trends such as slow dating, intentional dating, and value-based matching, promote healthy connections. Some, on the other hand, can lead to frustration and emotional distress. One such frustrating trend is “benching.” If you’ve ever felt like someone you’re interested in is not fully committing but not letting you go either, you might have been benched.
In this blog, we’ll answer the question “what is benching?” and explore how it fits into modern dating, the signs of being benched, and what to do if you find yourself in this situation.
What Is Benching?
Let’s begin with what is benching. Also known as stringing someone along, leading them on, putting them on the back burner, or doing anything to keep them interested without putting any emotional energy into the relationship. They may be keeping you as a backup while they pursue someone else and ignore you until it is convenient for them to contact you. They put in just enough effort to keep you interested.
Instead of ghosting you or dumping you, they’ve essentially removed you from participation and put you on the sidelines for potential use later. This behavior is a sign that they have commitment issues or are easily flooded by intimacy or closeness. And while being dumped or ghosted is not the best way to end a relationship, at least you know it is over. Someone who is benching you will show up when they crave the exact thing they cannot tolerate. They try to stay in your life just enough to keep you interested, but keep their distance over and over as part of an emotionally exhausting cycle.
Overview of Trends in Modern Dating
Benching is part of a broader pattern of non-committal dating behaviors that have become common in the digital age. Other similar trends include:
- Ghosting: Suddenly cutting off all communication without explanation.
- Breadcrumbing: Giving someone tiny bits of attention to keep them interested without any real intention of pursuing a relationship. A milder version of benching.
- Orbiting: Watching someone’s social media and staying in their online sphere without engaging in meaningful conversation.
- Cushioning: Keeping multiple people interested as potential backups in case a current relationship fails. Benching on steroids.
Signs of Being Benched
If you feel like you are on the outside of their life looking in, you’re probably being benched. If you’re unsure whether you’re being benched, consider the following signs:
- Inconsistent Communication: A classic sign of benching is inconsistent contact – they message you just enough to keep you interested but disappear for long stretches without explanation. They may talk about making plans but never do so.
- Uncertainty: They are vague about when their next contact with you will be, what their schedule is, and their level of interest in you. Communication with them can leave you feeling uncertain of their interest and motives.
- Last-Minute Plans: Rather than making plans in advance, you get a last-minute text to see if you are available, making you feel like a backup option. They make you feel like they are keeping their options open, and contacting you only when other plans have fallen through.
- Minimal Effort: Your conversations feel one-sided, and they don’t put in the effort to truly get to know you. In addition, your interest and interactions can feel one-sided.
- Lack of Emotional Depth & Intimacy: Your conversations remain surface-level, with no real emotional connection being developed. Any attempt to talk about their feelings or the relationship status is ignored or deflected. Their actions prevent the development of a deeper bond that could lead to a genuine long-term relationship.
- Hot and Cold Behavior: They are affectionate and engaged one moment, then distant and unavailable the next. They may use you for emotional support when they need comfort, but not be there for you when you need them.
- They Don’t Prioritize You: Feeling placeable is common when you are benched. In addition, you always feel like a backup option rather than someone they genuinely want to invest time in.
- Your Relationship Stagnates: You begin to notice a lack of progression in your relationship. Even if you spend weeks or months communicating or seeing each other every once in a while, the relationship doesn’t move forward, with no discussion of commitment or moving to the next level.
- Rare Face-to-Face Meetings: Actual dates are few and far between. You’ll have a date that goes wonderfully, leaving you full of hope. These dates are sporadic and unpredictably spaced, making you wonder where you stand.
Recognizing these signs can help you assess whether you’re being benched so you can decide on the best course of action.
The Emotional Impact of Benching
Being benched can be deeply frustrating and emotionally draining. It can take a toll on your emotional well-being, leaving you feeling undervalued and confused. Since you are neither fully rejected nor fully accepted, you may experience:
- Insecurity, Self-Doubt, and Lowered Self-Esteem: Feeling like someone is putting you on the back burner while looking for other options can make you feel like a second choice. Wondering if you did something wrong, or if you’re not “good enough,” or are an afterthought in someone’s life can erode self-esteem.
- Trust Issues: You may become wary of new relationships and hesitant to invest emotionally again. The fear of being benched again can lead to emotional guardedness and hinder your ability to open up.
- Emotional Exhaustion: Dealing with the push-pull dynamic of inconsistent attention can drain you emotionally. It can also lead to overthinking and analyzing every interaction as you try to decipher why you are being kept on the sidelines.
No one deserves to be in a situation where they feel like a backup plan. Recognizing the emotional toll benching takes on you is crucial in making the right decision for your well-being.
Why Is Benching the Worst?
Relationships have never been easy or simple. Dating in a mostly digital world has changed how we view romantic relationships. But of all the dating trends, benching is one of the worst. Here’s a quick review of reasons why benching is the worst of the latest dating trends.
- Falsely Keeps Your Hope Up: Benching keeps hope alive for a future together and keeps you waiting for them to come around. You may not hear from them for weeks, then get a misleading “Hi!” text late Saturday night. No, they are not going to ask you out, they just want you to think the relationship is going somewhere. This behavior is disheartening, but don’t lose faith in romance, just in the person who is benching you.
- Makes You Overanalyze: Are we dating? Do you even like me? Did we really have a connection? Benching leaves you with a lot of questions and often leads to overanalyzing and overthinking. When we like someone, our brains put together a worst-case scenario to fill in any missing pieces of the relationship. And when you are being benched, there are a lot of missing pieces.
- Pauses Potential Connections with Other People: The thing about benching is that when you are together, even though rarely, you feel like you have a connection. And when you live in eternal hope that they’ll come around, you miss out on other great possibilities while waiting for a partner who may never commit to you.
What to Do When You’re Being Benched
If you suspect you’re being benched, you don’t have to stay in that position. The first step is to know the signs, accept that you are being benched, and realize this behavior is unfair to you. Set boundaries for yourself, and stop waiting around for sporadic bits of attention. Set clear expectations for how you want to be treated.
Once you’ve set your boundaries and expectations, communicate them openly. Ask where the relationship is going. If they avoid the conversation, that’s a red flag. Instead of passively waiting, take charge of your dating life. Seek out people who value and appreciate you. And if they’re not giving you the attention you deserve, reduce communication and focus on those who will.
If their behavior isn’t changing, prioritize your happiness and walk away. You deserve someone who genuinely wants to be with you. Remind yourself that you deserve commitment, respect, and genuine effort. Don’t waste your time on someone who keeps you on the bench. Be open to meeting new people who are willing to invest in a relationship with you.
