Even the most seemingly normal family can go a little bonkers come time for the Passover Seder.
In my junior year of college, my girlfriend at the time refused to come to my family’s Seder because we did not follow the customs of the holiday to the letter of the law – this from a woman whose parents’ idea of a Sunday brunch included bacon instead of lox and bagels.
A few years later, another woman invited me to her mishpacha’s Passover meal. Rather than read from the Haggadah, an hour was spent with a ceremony akin to the Festivus airing of grievances.
Although inviting your significant other to this holiday celebration may seem stressful, it doesn’t have to be when setting the appropriate expectations and briefing them with the necessary information. Here are some ways to ensure your date is fully prepared and well aware of what to anticipate at your family’s Passover Seder.
Preparing Your Date for the Experience
If you’re ever thinking about introducing your partner during a traditional family holiday in the form of Passover Seder dates, it’s important that you let them know what to expect beforehand. Everyone’s family is different, and with a variety of Jewish traditions out there, you’ll want to make sure that nothing comes as a surprise.
Breaking Down Your Customs
There are a number of unique traditions that Jewish families may have when it comes to celebrating the Exodus, reliant on their particular sect of Judaism and beliefs. Communicating what customs your date should expect will help them know how similar they are to what they’re used to.
Regardless of how your family recites the Haggada, whether they have the youngest family member ask the specific ceremonial questions, and how strict they are about the Seder plate are all examples of customs that may look different depending on the household. Explaining exactly how your family goes through the ritual will help your date be able to compare their own family traditions with yours, and any similarities or differences will help you connect on a deeper level.
Communicating Attire Beforehand
Like many holidays, the level to which a family gets into traditional habits, such as requiring a specific type of attire, comes down to their longstanding family practices. More conservative Jews are likely to adorn the classic wardrobe, complete with semi-formal blouses for men, while the women don a modest dress with festive flare. More casual and progressive families may dress up for the occasion, but no dress code is required, and the overall theme is more informal.
Letting your date know how they should present themselves in order to both live up to your family’s standards and avoid awkward confrontation is not only advised but also respectful.
Explaining Comforts and Challenges
While the ritualistic and traditional celebrations of the Passover Seder are symbolic and cherished in each respective home, there is still going to be time for socializing and intimate conversations. It always helps to brief your date on some of your family members they should know more about prior to the function, and this can help them navigate the celebration more easily if they know who is easy to talk to and who’s more of a stickler concerning religious purity.
The food is always a coming-together point, so helping your companion find comfort during the meal and introducing them to those around them is helpful, which can lead to more personal conversations later on. If there are people to avoid or certain aspects of the Seder, they should be aware of, giving them the heads up is always a smart strategy.
Introducing Your Date to Family Traditions
Family traditions can be odd because while they’re all you may know, they can be anything but familiar to your partner, especially if they don’t come from a Jewish background at all. Here are some ways you can take the pressure off your significant other and accommodate them appropriately during their first Seder experience.
Making Introductions
No one necessarily enjoys walking into any setting where they don’t know anyone, but when it’s an important holiday, the nerves can be even higher. It’s essential that you display proper etiquette and introduce your date to your various family members one by one. This will help them feel welcome, as well as give them the opportunity to learn names and relationships and connect with those they haven’t met, even if they knew some people like your parents beforehand.
Encouraging Participation
We’re not saying you need to have your date formally read the Haggada in front of your family (although they totally can if they’re willing), but having them participate in different aspects of your celebrations will likely make them feel happy to be involved and less like a bystander on the sidelines. This can come in the form of helping to prepare any parts of the meal, singing along with the traditional songs, or even specific roles set aside specifically for guests.
Share Personal History
One of the most intimate aspects of traditional family holidays is that you get to celebrate the customs that have been passed down through generations with your partner. These include insights into your familial history, like stories, rituals, and recipes that have persisted throughout the years. Informing your date about the significance of these traditions and then highlighting why they’re meaningful in the grand scheme can give them a sense of understanding and belonging during their visit.
Choosing the Right Time to Extend the Invitation
Just because you’re seeing someone doesn’t mean it’s necessarily time to invite them to the family holidays, and that goes for Passover Seder dates as well. You should always take certain factors into consideration before including someone in a spiritual family gathering.
Consider Relationship Stage
Jewish families largely encourage an intentional and serious approach when it comes to dating, and there’s not much room for frivolous flings, particularly in traditional Jewish families, let alone when attending a family occasion. If your relationship is fresh or you and your partner aren’t yet settled on a conclusion about how to handle any disparities in your beliefs, values, or upbringing, it may be best to hold off on attending a Seder until you’ve grown more familiar with the nuances in each other’s Jewish lifestyle.
Gauge Family Dynamics
Family dynamics can be more drastic than you think, and because Judaism can differ so much depending on the household customs, you never want to pressure your partner into participation or assume their expectations will automatically align with yours.
People come from unique cultural backgrounds and family sizes and place emphasis on different things, so respecting their own particular customs and realizing they may not be prepared to assimilate with your family just yet is an understandable stance. It may be in your best interest to become more accustomed to each other and focus further on your personal and spiritual connections going forward. That way, come the next Seder, you’ll feel more confident getting involved in family holidays because you’ll have formed a greater mutual bond.
Don’t let these missteps dissuade you from asking your partner to accompany you to your family’s Seder or accepting an invite from your new match. Here are some tips that will help avoid saying or doing something that will embarrass yourself or your partner.
Share The Dress Code
Because Passover comes in the spring, Seder attire is often dependent on the weather. At polar extremes, there are traditional families in New York who are dressed to the nines and those who live in places like Arizona who wear shorts and T-shirts (as we did) to break the matzo. Give your date a heads up so they won’t feel out of place.
Find Out If They Know Hebrew
Even though, growing up, I was the only person in my family who spoke, read or understood Hebrew, my mother insisted I lead the service in that confusing language so she could enjoy the fruits of my learning. If your date isn’t familiar with the language, it can make for an uncomfortable evening. Let your date know whether your family uses Hebrew, English or a mix of both, and let the host know not to put your date on the spot if they aren’t familiar with the language.
Ask About Dietary Restrictions
When your partner’s grandmother passes around her legendary chicken soup with matzo balls and your date has failed to mention that they are 1) a vegetarian or 2) allergic to chicken, things can get dicey. Don’t make your deal face stomach distress or an EpiPen injection in order to avoid rocking the boat; alert the host to his or her dietary restrictions beforehand.
Prep Them For Family Time
Yes, every family is weird, but such a distinction is relative (no pun intended). Let’s say you have an uncle who is willing to forget common courtesy and interrogate new guests. What about a cousin who likes to remind everyone of your past partners (some of whom may have been previous Seder guests)? While you might not want to write out an official program, a bit of warning about potential mishpacha menaces is definitely in order.
The good news is that having your beshert at your family Seder can lead to something special. Some 34 years ago, I was invited to my wife’s family Passover. One month later, we were engaged. Let’s hope it happens to you.
You may also be interested in 7 Reasons To Be Thankful You Come From A Big, Crazy Jewish Family
