If you are the sort of man who spends too much time watching Hallmark Channel movies or reading books where the good guy always gets the girl, here’s some sage advice: the overly chivalrous gent is not a good look for most men. And, for some women, the man who is quick to open the car door and insists on paying the check comes off as less than genuine.
As with many things in life, it’s a matter of finding a balance. There’s a line between being a modern-day Knight of the Round Table and a boorish, ill-mannered dolt. The best place to start is simple – just be yourself. Beyond that, you can use these suggestions to win over your date.
What Does it Mean to be a Chivalrous Person?
Chivalry dates back to the Medieval period when a moral, religious, and social code was first introduced to establish “knightly” behaviors for the public to emulate. Fast-forward through the ages, and it slowly became associated with courage, honor, and courtesy, among other qualities that embodied prestigious individuals, including loyalty and generosity.
While there’s long been an assumption about acting chivalrous, meaning it specifically pertains to a man treating a woman in a formal way with the intention of being romantic, that’s not always necessarily the case. According to Merriam-Webster’s dictionary, acting chivalrous is equivalent to being “valiant, or marked by honor, generosity, and courtesy.” In essence, it’s showing respect and equal treatment to all those around you, no matter your association.
How Does Chivalry Appeal to a Woman?
In many ways, a Jewish woman will convey she thinks her Bashert is being chivalrous by calling him thoughtful. There are plenty of opportunities for you to display your own particular brand of chivalry to a woman you’re interested in, allowing you to demonstrate a personal approach. Opening doors and helping your significant other carry their belongings is a good start, but helping them with tasks during stressful moments or giving heartfelt gifts during celebratory times can go a long way. The more she sees you as a stable, well-mannered partner, the more attracted she’ll remain to you.
What Specific Actions Demonstrate Chivalry
There are countless chances to be chivalrous throughout the duration of any relationship, whether through selfless acts like the examples listed above or by showing that you treat everyone, including strangers, with the same willing and grateful attitude. This can also be displayed by fostering a genuine emotional bond or proving you can offer your partner security, both from a mental and physical standpoint. Of course, acting respectfully on a daily basis and communicating through things in an encouraging and proactive manner will only help your cause.
How Has Chivalry Changed Over Time?
When analyzing what it takes to be chivalrous, meaning has changed over time. What was once essentially a code of conduct among knights eventually evolved into a “cultured” population that showcased a polite, gentlemanly persona. While the Victorian era focused more on gender roles and the approach to romantic courtship, modern chivalry is all about gender equality, emotional intelligence, and exercising empathy for others.
Additional Traits of Chivalrous Men
While we’ve already covered many of the most obvious chivalrous qualities, it’s important to note that there are many other traits that are just as telling. Chivalry is often on display when a man shows he can be understanding in difficult scenarios and even when he’s able to exhibit a selfless nature when others are in need. And although reliability is certainly an indicator of chivalry, we all know that situations in life can go awry, so being able to show integrity and humility when they’re wrong while making efforts to correct them is a mature response in itself.
More Than Grand Gestures
Go into the date with the mindset of being a gentleman, but pick your spots. Opening a car door is good, but throwing your Hugo Boss jacket over a puddle is a bit much.
The places where women will expect a first date to be a gentleman translate into avoiding foul language, being polite to servers at a restaurant, and ensuring you get home safely. Even if the date goes poorly, only a man raised among a pack of wolves drops a woman off and burns rubber as he escapes.
Clues Along The Way
Pay attention during those introductory phone calls. If you listen attentively, you can pick up on some clues that will help determine what level of chivalry you should exhibit on date one.
For example, if your potential bashert mentions her parents have been married for 25 or 30 years, it’s a safe bet she grew up in a home with a strong and attentive father. Your match will expect the same from any man she meets. It’s a long shot, but perhaps your date may even mention a previous bad date where her suitor flirted with the waitress or peppered the conversation with dirty jokes. While you’re at it, give your match’s profile another read; it’s possible she may mention in her “things she’s looking for in a man” a line about wanting a real gentleman.
Asking The Right Questions
In the absence of any easily decipherable clues in those introductory phone calls or messages, use a little circumspection and politely ask, “What are you looking for in a man?” You may not get a lot of direct hits on issues like who should pay on a date or whether she insists a man open her car door, but even the tone of her answers can offer some guidance.
This piece of advice is what football players call an “audible,” which means don’t go into a pre-date call planning to slip this question in during polite conversation. Wait for the right time, and gently slip this line into the dialog.
It’s The Little Things
For many women, it might be the little things you do that matter most in terms of whether the date is a success. Some of these gentlemanly acts might seem rudimentary, but they’ll go a long way in proving that you’re a real gentleman:
- Leave your smartphone in your pocket. No act comes off as more inattentive on a date than fiddling with your iPhone during that getting-to-know-you phase.
- Unless your date asks (and my hunch is that will be rare), let her order her meal herself.
- When the bill arrives, never bring up the subject of who should pay. If there is stone silence from across the table, politely pick up the check. If your date wants to contribute or pay half, I assure you, she will speak up.
Truth be told, anyone man who has to think about whether to be a gentleman or not will eventually be unmasked. If you’re trying to make a good impression, be genuinely thoughtful and attentive rather than trying to live out some stereotype of what the “chivalrous man” looks like in the movies.
You may also be interested in 9 Things A Man Does On A Great First Date
